Kevin Explains It All
“Umm, thanks… Yeah, can I get a number one with a number two. And some onion rings. Yeah, I’m going to eat them too. Eh, and two apple pie slices and a large orange soda.” A dainty, feminine voice was barely audible over the static from the faulty speaker, “Is that all?”
“Eh? Yeah, can I get one of everything from the dollar menu. For my buddy. To-go.”
“You’re in the drive-thru, to-go is the only way we deliver it.”
“You guys deliver now?”
“Eh? No, this is a Burger King. We don’t deliver. I just mea–. Never mind. Your total is $38.79 at the next window there.”
Tentatively pushing down on the accelerator, Kevin’s ‘85 Honda lurched forward, stopped, then sputtered ahead erratically. The only thing as ragged as the “movements” of Kevin’s car was the exterior. Years of beatings, courtesy of the weather and road, turned the originally crimson car a muddy pink. Inheriting a car from one’s grandmother has its perks, however. Well, perk. Kevin didn’t have to pay for the car, but what he saved in finances, he lost in dignity. Anyone who sat in the car walked out with the potent smell of someone dying clutching to their clothes just as the old woman clung to life.
Two heads in the car bounced against their headrests as Kevin turned to his passenger and said, “Doug, this is the cute burger babe I was talking about. She’s always working this late at night.” They pulled up to the window and Doug leaned awkwardly close to Kevin to get a better look at the girl. After Kevin paid for the food, Doug started rapidly slapping him on the shoulder and said, “Holy crap. Buddy, when she leans over you can see her whoppers.”
“… Her Big Macs,” Kevin said.
“Her McShakes.”
“Her Big N’ Tasties.”
“Her double downs.”
“Wicked. Eh, check this out,” said Doug still leaning over Kevin, “Excuse me, you think we can get some more ketchup?” Kevin and Doug shared a fist bump in recognition of how utterly smooth they were.
“You know I can hear everything you guys are saying,” the burger queen said, leaning over and handing them their ketchup. Kevin and Doug’s smiles were verbally slapped from their faces as both of their necks jerked forward to look at the road. “Have a wonderful night,” grinned the harassed worker, knowing she caused the juveniles as much embarrassment as if she had caught them with their hands down their pants. Two hollow voices replied in unison, “Thank you. Have a good night.”
“Well that sucked…We’re coming to see her again tomorrow, right?” said Doug as Kevin pulled out of the Burger King parking lot.
“Please. There’s no way I’d pass up seeing those Burger Kings,” Kevin replied.
“Her nuts ruled,” said Doug, “Oh yeah, nuts is a thing now. Chestnuts. Chest. Nuts. It’s going to catch on.”
“That is the greatest thing I’ve ever hear–” Kevin was cut off by Doug yelping.
“Crap! Is that the right time? I was suppose to be home thirty minutes ago.” yelled Doug throwing his hands up as what little color in his face drained.
Kevin had no qualms laughing in the face of his friend, “You’re twenty and your curfew is eleven, hoser!”
“Buddy, if your parents weren’t out of tow– You sho– Your curfew is eleven-thirty!” Doug sloppily retorted.
“Yeah, but yours is eleven! Ha!”
“Whatever, take me home already, will ya?” Doug said, playfully punching Kevin’s arm.
Single-story, square houses flew by the car’s fogged windows at twenty five miles per hour when Kevin finally pulled up to yet another suburban home. Doug mumbled something resembling a goodbye as he rushed it to his front door to avoid the bitter weather. However, as he reached into his pocket to find his keys, he turned on the balls of his heels and dashed back to the car. “Aww crap, I almost forgot! Chaw! I’ve been saving it for a good time. Big Chief, the best!”
Kevin took a minute to get the reference, “Oh, Okay! …Okay?”
Doug reached into his pocket and threw a small Ziploc bag at Kevin, “Yeah, no, it isn’t chewing tobacco, but you’re home alone so I got you some weed.” Doug was inside his house before Kevin had the time to process what had just happened.
* * *
Back home, Kevin laid in bed, stared at his yellowed popcorn ceiling and argued with himself. Why shouldn’t I? My parents aren’t home so there’s no worries there. I’ve never heard of a “bad trip” on weed. I was only straight-edge when I was dating Pam, and she left me for that bad-boy American. Don’t they say weed is a gateway drug though…Isn’t there a movie called The Gateway? Or was it The Gate? His thoughts were unable to stray any further as they were interrupted by one of Doug’s signature long texts:
“my curfew is 11 but uve never smoked. whos the loser now? wat else r u goin to do at 3 in the morning? watch paid programs and old reruns of the king of kensin.” Kevin was no stranger to getting run-on texts from Doug. As he awaited the rest of Doug’s text, Kevin pulled out one of the pre-rolled joints and smelled it. Kevin’s Loverboy ring-tone went off again as Doug’s text continued: “…gton. if anythin it will put u 2 sleep.besides i got heavyer stuff just called ‘the henry kushinger.’ stop bein sucha hoser. dont worry i didnt mix bags. actually i just checked again im 99% sure.”
I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t do this, Kevin thought. This is just marijuana, one joint. I’m not going to get addicted or anything. And buddy’s right, I’ll probably just fall asleep. With a surge of adrenaline, Kevin found the nearest lighter, grabbed a joint from the bag, lit it and took a surprisingly big hit for having never smoked. The coughing fit that followed made him regret not opening his straw earlier. Gulping down his soda, Kevin thought, …Now what? Milling around his room waiting for the effects, Kevin fixed some posters on his wall, breathed heavily on his window and drew a maple leaf, checked his phone and noticed that the batteries were dead. As soon as he plugged it in to his charger, the rocking sounds of “Everybody‘s Working for the Weekend” began delightfully hammering Kevin’s ears. Kevin had one new text message from Doug: “…that i gave you the wrong bag. so dont smoke what i gave u. ill come give u ur stuff tom. sorry buddy. enjoy ur reruns.”
“Great.”
Not knowing what to expect from a normal joint, let alone an apparent super joint, Kevin flipped on the television and began eating his Burger King meal. As he unwrapped his first burger he noticed the wrapper shaking in his hands. He was unsure if he was shaking from nerves or if the Kushinger was kicking in. Kevin went to the guide on his TV and found Degrassi. “My bat…it’s wooden,” said a character on the show. Hell yes! Kevin thought, remembering that the episode was the one where the character Spinner gets an erection. Now this is good television, Kevin thought, as the onscreen high jinks continued. Kevin giggled his way through some onion rings and half his burger when he heard, “Hey, umm, excuse me! Stop!”
Confused that the dialogue he heard was not synced with his TV, he pressed mute. “Please, umm can you stop?”
A now terrified Kevin squeaked, “Wh-Who’s there, eh?”
“Please stop eating us. Put me down and, umm, let us go. Please?”
Oh my God…there’s cannibals in my house eating people, Kevin thought. Wait… Even in Kevin’s weed-inebriated state he realized how ridiculous his last thought was. Putting down his food, Kevin slowly tip-toed towards his slightly ajar door.
“Thank you!” cheered the voice.
Realizing the voice was coming from behind him, Kevin shrieked and twirled around. “Down here, yes. Thank you for letting me go. My name is Rocko. And since you will never come to this realization on your own, I’m your burger.” Much to Kevin’s shock, and a little to his disappointment, the burger didn’t grow a mouth and eyes, the buns didn’t flap up and down like a bad commercial, Rocko’s voice simply emanated from his body.
Another voice came out of the greasy bag, “Oh joy, I’m your whopper, Stimpy.”
“Over here, Hey hey. We’re your fries. I’m Mary Kate and this is Ashley.” The dumb look on Kevin’s face bent into a smile as he asked in disbelief, “Mary Kate and Ashley? Take off.”
“Hey sweetie, apple pie’s here. I’m Tia, and this is my sister, Tamera.”
“Okay, now you’re just messing with me. Are all of you named after 90s cartoons and child st–” Kevin was cut off by an obnoxiously loud question coming from his drink.
“Who loves orange soda? I do, I do, I do-ooh.” It was at that moment Kevin realized the night was going to be a fantastic one. Kevin poured all the food out of the bags onto his desk.
With their introductions out of the way, Kevin said, “This is nuts, but I’m Kevin. I’m really sorry for eating half of the onion rings and eating half of you, Rocko. Speaking of which, you didn’t introduce yourself onion rings. Let me guess, Clarissa?”
“Ahem, Kevin, the onion rings aren’t, umm, alive. And no worries about eating me. It’s only painful when you’re actually biting into me. Good thing you stopped when you did because once you finish eating one of us entirely, umm, we die.”
Before Kevin was able to ask any questions, he was interrupted by Tia and Tamera exclaiming in unison, “Now this is good television.”
“Yeah! That’s what I was just thinking!” Kevin said. The new gang of friends watched a few more episodes of Degrassi, laughing at and ridiculing it together.
* * *
After the third episode of the night ended, Kevin unconsciously reached down and grabbed a french fry.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Handsy. Watch what you’re doing up there. I’m not that type of girl!” said Mary Kate.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t even realize what I was doing,” said Kevin, as his stomach yelled at him for having not eaten earlier. Kevin was having such a joy playing with his food that he hadn’t noticed his own hunger growing. “It’s true what they say about munchies then,” Kevin laughed awkwardly.
Jokingly, the apple pies said, “And we look so delicious. Don’t you just want to eat us? Mmmm…”
Only half joking, Kevin responded, “Yeah, you look so delicious. I want to gobble you right up.”
“You got a girlfriend, Kevvy?” asked Ashley, steering the conversation away from food.
“Eh, no, but there’s this girl in my sociology class…”
“Oooh, someone has a childish crush in college!” Tamera said playfully.
“Quit teasing him, Tamera. So, how come you’re not dating her? You’re clearly good looking enough and, from what I can tell, you’re funny,” Tia said.
“Yeah Ken,” said Stimpy, getting Kevin’s name wrong, “You seem really cool. You clearly have good taste in TV, and I see that poster for Strange Brew on your door. Plus, I see you have all of Tegan and Sara’s albums. You’re the perfect Canadian!”
“Perfect or stereotypical? She doesn’t take me seriously. She calls me Gordy, which has always sounded like a fat kid’s name to me. I mean who would name their kid Gordy? So is she being offensive or endearing? It doesn’t matter, she’s outta my league, eh. And she has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend is the Fonz of Canada. Rick has ‘It,’” Kevin said with air quotes, “ I’m too safe. Too boring.”
“Trust me, you got ‘It,’ dude,” said Mary Kate.
“You’re being too hard on yourself, Kevin. What does this, umm, Rick have that you don’t?” Rocko asked.
“Well for one, a life. It’s a Friday night and I’m in here talking to my food, no offense, eh. If you guys weren’t here, I’d be here alone. I heard Michelle got three ear piercings, a nose ring, a lip ring and a tattoo in one night because her friend said she might look good with them. She’s impulsive! My week is planned out two weeks in advance. No, Rick is a bad-ass and I’m just a Canadian,” Kevin said as he looked out the window and noticed it had started to snow.
“Kevvy, none of us are bored! You’re loads of fun. You just gotta woo this girl,” encouraged Ashley.
“Yeah, you need a romantic 80s movie moment. You got a stereo you can hold over your head?” Tia asked.
Kevin’s soda advised Kevin to be a romantic. “Kevin! You gotta be something special, man. Long walks on the beaches with strawberries and peaches, you know?”
“So I should really go for it, eh?” Kevin said with newfound confidence in his voice.
Kevin’s meal shouted, “Yes!”
* * *
An hour later Kevin had finished his joint and their conversation about his girl turned into a “profound” look at love. “It’s like, a flower, you know? It blooms in the morning and bees come and pollinate…and it’s full of col-color… and life. Then at night, it closes up and looks, like, in on itself…ya kn–” Kevin’s inane love metaphor was cut off by an extraordinarily loud grumble from his stomach.
“Whoa there tiger, you okay there,” asked Stimpy nervously.
“Guys, I’m really hungry. It’s been hurting me for the last twenty minutes. Look, I even tightened my belt to fight hunger pains. I need to eat something…I’m sorry.”
Silence.
“…Hello?”
Kevin’s food sat stagnant, not making a noise. “Okay, okay, I can wait longer before I eat something.” Cheers erupted from the meal. “Thatta boy!” exclaimed the soda. Kevin laid down in the fetal position and held his stomach while he continued to talk to his food.
* * *
“Wake up!” Kevin jerked awake and almost rolled off his bed in fright. Doug was sitting on the floor with his back against a wall, laughing at his friend’s reaction. Kevin inaudibly grumbled something, irritated at Doug’s less-than-welcomed wake up call.
In a sleep deprived daze, Kevin looked around and scratched his head. “Why are you here so early, eh?”
“The Kushinger? Remember? I got you your weed, where’s mine?”
“I smoked it,” said Kevin throwing Doug the now empty zip-loc bag. “You need to stop texting such long messages…Where’s my food?”
“Wait, you actually smoked it? All of it? How was it? What happened?” Doug asked standing up, staring at the empty bag.
“Buddy, the food talks. We watched Degrassi, and there… was flowers…Where are they?” Kevin looked around his desk for the Burger King wrappers.
“Eh, that stuff must have been pretty powerful, I think you’re still high…”
“Rocko? Stimpy?…Mary Kate, Ashley? Tam–”
“Why are you naming 90s cartoon characters and child sta–”
“Where is my food?” Kevin asked with a more urgent tone.
“You mean the Burger King food from last night? Yeah, it was just right on the table,” Doug said, walking into Kevin’s bathroom and talking to him through the door, “You were asleep, so I made it my breakfast. Hope you don’t mind. I’ll buy you dinner tonight.” Doug continued talking to himself as he washed his hands and walked back into the room to see Kevin with his head buried in his hands, blubbering.
“When this boy meets world…” Kevin sobbed, rocking back and forth on his bed.
